3 Weeks post surgery

 Never get in a hurry to get back to normal. Other people have different Ideas. So I met with Dr. Jensen 7 days post surgery. Yep still had the drains. They were still draining about 60-70 ccs/24 hr period. In order to get them taken out it must be 25cc/24 hr period for 3 days in a row. OK fine!

Went to see Dr. Tit on day 14. The right drain is still at about 30-35cc/24 hr. How ever they took out the left one. I think that Heidi was a little shocked and almost regretted doing it because tons of fluid leaked out of it. Nope they did not take the right one out. I guess at least i only had one to deal with. Spent the week trying to not over do it. I did go back into work and taught classes as well as did paperwork. Getting out of the house was a must but I also loved coming home to a bed. I am exhausted. And it is funny because I do not have to do much to get to that point. I also have a very very short fuse and my nerves are shot. I find myself being snappy at people and it is frustrating.

Went back to see Dr Jensen on day 21. 3 weeks Finally took out the drain on the right side. It didn't leak like the left one did but it hurt like no other. They also didn't like the look of the left breast. It was a little red. Dr. Jensen decided to do a biopsy and extract some fluid for a sample to make sure it is not infected. I have been on antibiotics for a week already but ... He drained 100cc off the left breast. DANG! I dropped it off at Time to have cultures ran on it. NO BACTERIA! yea! finally I passed a test. My breast felt better for the rest of the ride home but I could tell it was feeling up again by bed time. 

They told me not to use ice packs on my breast to reduce swelling due to the fact that there is little feeling in them from the surgery. Since when do i listen. I used icepacks and they felt too much better. They were not directly on the breast. I had a towel covering the fake boobs. Both my left and my right boob feel like there is fluid collecting in them. Ice packs help reduce this. So every couple hours I cool those girls off. It helps. I think the redness in the left boob has gotten better and the right one is not quite as tender as it has been. I pray that things go well on Tuesday. 

I meet with the Oncologist and have a bone scan scheduled for Tuesday. Once I am done there I will head to Dr. Jensens to have him check my boobs to make sure I have not killed them. In the mean time I am going to try to kick back and take it easy. I think I over did it a bit this week. Did a full 40 hours of work.

On a positive note the snow has melted from the grass and I see little flecks of green poking their way through the lawn. I had it thatched today as well so it looks like the deer had a poop festival on my grass. 

I really need some prayers answered this week. I need answers as to when Chemo will begin. I need my boobs to stop acting up an get to healing so I can poison myself with Chemo. I have a time line. I want it all done by december 31. Sara keeps telling me NO EXPECTATIONS. If you have no expectations you have no disappointments. Ya right! without expectations and planning nothing gets done.Maybe what I need to remember is I can only be in charge of so much. The rest is out of my hands.

Post Surgery 5 Days

 Going to try to catch up on a few things here. 5 Days post surgery. I should have done it on day one but just could not. Between hurting Boobs and exhaustion Just could not do it. So I will try to fill int he gaps now and if something jars my brain in the future I can edit. That is the nice thing about computers.

So Feb 19th. I had some things at work that I needed to get done before I was out for God only knows how long. Was not really kidding myself. Wasn't sure if I truly could be back for a few hours on Sunday to play catch up or not. So I went in to work. Ended up working 8 full hours doing paperwork and went on a call with the crew. Cardiac arrest. "Ya I won't really miss that part of the job. Or at least I dont think so." Then Trent came and picked me up to take me to the big city. Martin was suppose to go with me. Hense the whole reason for the hotel. But decided that it was just too much to drag all his oxygen stuff and cpapp stuff with us so he opted to stay home and have Trent take him in later on Monday. Sara and Luna was going to meet us and take me to the hospital in the morning. Had to be there early 5:30 am. And since I am really the only idiot that does that hour of the day. However being first has its advantages. you get the Drs when they are fresh.

Had a nice dinner with Trent. Great conversation and Sara and Luna came to the hotel and ate their burgers and we chatted as well. Then I took my crazy shower and scrubbed with the special soap. Had to do that both the night before and the morning off surgery. Then headed to bed. I actually slept pretty good considering. My average nights sleep is 3-4 hours. I think I got about that much. You know that your brain works overtime. Well at least mine does.

At 3:00 am I awoke, Had some delishous Pre-Surgery ensure to drink. New thing they are doing says it speeds up recovery... Tasted like straight sugar. Then surfed the web, and showered again. Wanting every min to have a cup of coffee. I DID NOT! My brain said if I have the coffee they won't do the surgery. Ya Once again... I DID Not PARTAKE. Sara arrived. SHE HAD COFFEE! good for her. 5:44 am exact we walked through the admitting doors for surgery. My legs wanted to stop and say NO NO NO. But they didn't. I painted on the face that I have worn for so many days and told myself to be brave. Of course that dark humor was there to help get me through things. 

Computers were a little slow kicking on but admitting managed to get it moving and off we went to the little room where they prepared me for the big adventure of the day. 

In all areas of health care these days there is someone training. This was no different. 2 nurses. And I do not remember their names. One student that was finishing her capstone (last final pass off to become a nurse) and her mentor. I had big plans on making sure I had everyones name written down so I could thank them. YA RIGHT! epic failure! One day in my life I will be organized. 

They gave me a hand full of pills to help with pain, inflammation, nausea, and just about everything else. They did a 12 lead EKG, They took some blood to make sure I was not going to bleed to death. Then they started an IV. They started it in the left hand. In the smallest vein, Over a joint. It was painful. Not only watching them place it and their choice of where but the IV its self. I knew that it only had to be in for a short time but I also knew that where they placed it it would most likely infiltrate before the day was done.  It is hard being in the medical profession and having small bursts of info that could help and then staying quiet so the student can learn. 

IV was placed and then off to new adventures. Dr. Tittnsor and Dr. Jensen arrived. More touching and feeling of the Boobs. Dr. Jensen asked how big I wanted to go. Shit I dont know the answer to that one. I have never really felt that I had boobs. Not too big but then if Im going through this I suppose there should be some benefit to it. FULL C? Then it was save the nipples? loose the nipples? Finally I said the them. Look guys... I trust you to do the right thing. DO what you think is the best thing for me. What you would do for yourself or your wife. 

Anesthesia rolled me out of the room and I dont remember a thing past that. I woke up in recovery almost 4 hours later and they say everything went well. I remember nothing. Which is a good thing. My boobs had achey feeling to them but I wouldn't say they really hurt. Not until I moved. Then.... DAM! Got up to my room. Trent, Monique and Martin was there. However for the longest time I didn't know Martin was there. They had him shoved into the corner. Didn't see him or hear him. They just said he was there. Was not until he got up to go pee that I even knew here was a chair in the corner. But then to be honest when you are on anesthesia you dont know or remember much. 

Trent, Monique and Martin stayed until about 2:00 I think. I was in and out of sleep. And I really do not remember much of it all. Sara and Luna was there as well. Then they headed to the hotel about 5. They brought me dinner and I ate. I was starving. Pretty good food. Salmon, Rice and asparagus. OH GREAT Stinky pee! The day nurse was not monitoring how much output but when the night nurse came she insisted that I pee into the hat. A hat is just what it sounds like. They place it onto the toilet so they can measure how much output you have. I can NEVER hit the hat. What girl who sits to pee can not hit a hat? Poor girl got to smell asparagus. 

Day nurse in charge of me was Shelby. She had a student with her. I think he was Reese? Not positive on that one. Shelby was a pro and he seemed to be a very very new student. good but shy. No one should be shy around this old lady. My night nurse did not have a student. She was very efficient. He name was Sounglee. Oriental I think and sweet as could be. But very very very by the book. 

My IV blew after the 2nd dose of Tylenol and Protonics so they had to restart it. This time Shelby did it and it was farther up on the arm and less painful. They were giving me I -Tylenol, IV-Antibiotics,  Protonics and stool softeners. As well as IV fluids @ 300/hr. I was drinking as much as possible because I wanted that anesthesia out of my system. Which meant I needed to get up to pee a lot. They got tired of me asking for permission so soon I gained their trust and was up and going by myself. They just monitored how much by the hat that was in the toilet that I could not hit. About 3 am I became my restless self and needed to be out of that dam room. I requested that I get to do a walk about. After promising not to run away they let me drag an IV pole around and adventure to the hall way. 

I managed to make 5 laps. Then I had to pee again and decided that was enough for a min. On my journey I walked past several rooms most of the doors were closed. However there was one that was open. I noticed in the room that there was a lady sitting in bed looking miserable and lonely. I knew that they had done 2 double mastectomies. Mine and one other. I wondered if this was the other one. She looked familiar but I decided that it was just my dam brain on drugs.  The walk made me feel better. My brain had stopped spinning and while my boobs ached they felt better too. So I drained my bladder for the 15th time and got back into bed. I slept pretty well until changing of the guard at 6:00 am.

New set of nurses. Jenni and Kyle. Kyle is a rent a nurse and just graduated but was orienting. Trying to decide what he really wants to be when he grows up. lol. Jenni was young and fairly new. I think the oldest nurse there was Shelby with 4 yrs experience. Im telling you health care is changing. They are all very very young. So when they came in to do CHANGING OF THE GUARD Jenni ask me if I knew a lady by the name of Jan Thorton. Yes of course I did. She said Jan had seen me wandering the halls last night. And If I wanted to visit with her she was next door. OH MY HELL. Jan Thorton is my Therapist. The lady who helped me get my shit together after my mom died. Who helped me get my shit together after Paul died. MY mental support system! My stabilizer!. Of course I want to stop next door to see her. 

Jan looked amazing. She said she seen me wandering the halls last night and wanted to bad to say something but knew that with the HIPAA laws etc that was not possible. I got myself put together and walked next door to visit. Its funny because about a week earlier when I was having a moment I was going to shoot her a text and say, "Hey girl, Im going through some shit right now and I may need you in the future" I didn't. Now I know that I should have. Just a text. Always listen to your gut instinct. Anyway Jan had a double Masectomy as well. She does not have cancer. She did it profolcaticly because her mom had breast cancer and she carries the BRECA gene. I am impressed she did it profolacticly and made choices that are very very hard when you have cancer let alone when you do not. And now I know that if I need her she will be there. She will understand my issues. (She always has) and she will be able to help. 

Heidi, Dr. Tittnsers NP stopped by. Apparently I am a pretty head strong lady. She stopped by to check on me and make sure I was doing good. checked my drains, checked my boobs, Checked to make sure my nipples where not black. (apparently that is a thing) All was normal or good. She reminded me of follow up with Dr. Jensen and Dr. Tittnser next week. Told her I would be there to get those drains taken out. She assured me that wouldn't happen. I assured her it would if I had anything to do with it. Ya... Dont argue with a Dr. they really are in charge. However I am a pretty stubborn lady too. I am on a timeline. Dont mess with it. PLEASE!

There was a storm moving in and they wanted to get us out before the storm hit so the goal was for noon. Sara had some countertops that she needed to see so she zipped to sandy did her thing and by the time she got done I was ready to go. They managed to give me all my discharge info and got the iv out. Due to the port I was ordered not to shower until Thursday (day 4) and they packed us up in Sara's truck and off we went. HOME WARD BOUND!

It is always nice to be home. Honestly I do not really remember the ride home. Maybe because we had no issues. Which is a good thing. Got home. Unpacked my crap. Took a nap. My babies Mazey and Maddy were happy to see me. Martin had the shock collars on them so they would behave and all was right in the world.  

Sara, Martin, and Luna are making sure I do not do more than I should. I was sent home with Tylenol, Stool softeners, Oxycodone just in case and phone numbers for support if I need them. I have had phone calls, text messages, and a few visitors to help with the transition. 

The hardest thing is looking in the mirror and seeing the scar. I would post photos and may before it is all done but they are harsh. I get what I call zingers. Shooting pains. almost feels like something is tearing or ripping. My left nipple is on fire at times but they feel much better when I just hold my breast in my hand for support. I feel puffy from the water retention. Walking helps with that but I get tired so fast. I feel like a slug. I have drains that need to be strained so that blood clots do not form. It has blood, lymph fluid and fat in it. It is gross. Doesn't smell that I can tell witch I think is a good thing. but it is disgusting looking. Looks like worms. I have no feeling under my right arm where they took the lymph nodes from. Lifting my arms above my head is almost impossible without tears. Washing my hair... Well lets just say I have done it now that I can shower but it is painful. I make slow purposeful motions and not fast. I find myself going up on my toes to get things from shelves that normally are easy to find. And I defiantly think before I do things. Like how bad is that going to hurt? But I am moving. I am upright and I see progression everyday. So I will survive this. It is just a bump in the road. 

NEVER ENDING APPOINTMENTS

 Feels like never ending appointments. Last week it was biopsy and oncologist. This week was suppose to be easy just one with the plastic surgeon. On my way home from Provo Dr. Tits called and said they need an Echo Cardiagram to make sure when they give me chemo they dont kill my heart. Well shit. I was planning on spending Friday getting ready for this shin dig. I guess I will be driving to Timp for my Echo Cardiogram. Anxiety is starting to rise and I know by Sunday/Monday it will be full blown. Just keep swimming as Dory says. Easier said than done. There are so many people who mean well. However every time you say "Im so sorry" I think Ok now I need to make them feel better? Why do we do that. Misery loves company. So then I start with my joking and they either become offended or they go somewhere else to hang out. 

Anxiety, Frustration and Laughter?

 I know that sounds like a little bit of a crazy title. It is! And of course this roller coaster of a ride is a little crazy as well. Not even sure I know where to start tonight other than it feels like my world is spinning out of control. And of course I hate that. I am a control freak! Yep a Freak about controlling things. Well hello sweet heart you have NO CONTROL HERE. 

I keep asking myself what the hell am I suppose to be learning? What is the plan? 

We had a mental health training yesterday and the purpose of it was to teach us how to be more in control when we feel that things are out of control. Here is the hard part about this... I didn't dare let myself focus on the training part because I didn't want to break down. So many people have seen me cry this week. Im not sad. it is more anxiety than anything. And once again the weird part is When you tell someone you have cancer the first words out of their mouth is "Im so sorry." And while I get it that starts me in to the defensive mode where I feel it is my responsibility to help them feel better about my cancer. I am such a work in progress! I don't want to cry anymore. I want to laugh. I want to be stupid and do that gut laugh thing. The one that starts at your toes and you just feel all sorts of happy everywhere. 

Tomorrow I get to do a double biopsy on my lymph nodes. Not sure it will be fun. Actually I am pretty dam sure it is going to hurt like a mother F. But hey one more test and I should be done being tested. Martin is not going with me tomorrow due to the fact that i  think he is coming down with a UTI. Just our luck he will be sick when I go in for surgery. We are such a team. Guess I will try to sleep. Not sure it will happen but I will try. 4:30 am comes pretty dam early.

Start at the Beginning

 Well here we are. How did we get here? Well on November 11th 2022 at a routine Mammogram a strange spot or should I say a few strange spots. They called it a cluster and it was suspicious.  Was not my usual mammo girl. As with all the health care people these days Amy was busy doing other things that day so I figured well,  just the fill in didn't do it right. So on round 2 December 8, 2022,  Amy was there. Love that lady. Pulled it up on the screen and let me see what it looked like. Anyone seen a mammo? Looked like little green dots on a image of a boob. Actually 3 green dots. They were by each other not really touching but close. They call it a cluster and it actually looked like someone had a marker and wrote on the screen. Tiny little green dots. My brain said really? Thats what cancer looks like? No way! Then during round 2 of mammo Dr said I think we need an ultrasound and a biopsy. Well okay but it isn't cancer. You can not even really see it on the screen. Told them they should clean the lens on the camera. I have been doing mammas faithfully for the past 6 years. 

December 21, 2022 Okay Biopsy. That was fun. As your Boob is stuck in the Mamography machine they say hold really really still. We are going to poke you with this needle into your boob and grab a piece of you to put under a microscope and see what we find. Well you really can't run at this point. They literally have you by the Tit. I thought it would hurt more. Really not too bad. The ride home was the worst. Stupid brain. Stupid, stupid brain. This was the week before Christmas. Ok try to focus on fun. And then Christmas was over and still no answer.

Now keep in mind I really was not thinking of results. As many of you know that was when Martin had his chest pain episode with his blood clots. 2 trips to the ER, over night stay in ICU and a trip to provo to see a cardiologist for a cardiac consult!  (We are one hell of a pair) Who has time to worry. Oh ya... That stupid brain that won't shut off. Now not only was I thinking, "Dam how did this happen?" "But what if it is cancer? How will we make this happen? How will I do work, make sure that Martin is taken care of and keep food in the fridge let alone time frame. You see I am teaching an Advanced AEMT course at the same time. People depend on me being there. Who has time to be sick?  SHIT! DAM! FUCK!

Well results are in. Lets meet with a surgeon to see what is next. January 19th  Meet Dr. Tittsner. Going to call her Dr. Tit for short. She is a wonderful woman. With a great sense of humor. Sara made it for the visit. This stuff is just so overwhelming. Glad Sara was there to ask questions. She re-did a quick ultra sound and looked at the lymph nodes on the right side. They were big and ugly. Said it was most likely from the marker they placed when they did the biopsy. Then  Felt my boobs (most action they have had in for ever) Then we came up with a plan. A plan is a good thing. Or is it?

THE PLAN:

There are a few more tests to be done. Genetic testing so we know if the kids need to be worried. (of course they do!) An MRI of my chest/boobs to see what the heck is going on. And to make sure that the left side has not been compromised. In the mean time we will schedule the surgery for Feb 20th. Okay so a month to find out stuff. NO PROBLEM. We had agreed on a lumpectomy knowing that if things looked different on the MRI plans could change. Great. A plan. I think the worst part is the not knowing what is next. This is suppose to be all figured out. FYI... Its not. 

In the mean time when I am swimming my armpit hurts. Of course my brain says "Yep dumb ass its growing with every single stoke you take. Kind of weird to explain how it feels but it feels heavy and tight like there is a band or something applying pressure to my armpit. I have convinced myself it is just because someone said breast cancer. It really doesn't hurt. I will be fine! Turns out, that is a sign that it is in the lymph nodes. Swimming is a must for me these days. It helps to burn off the demons. These days there are lots and lots of them. 

Jan 30th I do the MRI. Let me just say that is an experience. You lay on the MRI table with your boobs dangling through openings on the table that goes into the MRI machine. Also they inject you with dye as you are in there. That part is weird too. Feels like hot crap in your veins then cold. That sensation goes on for about 5 min. Then the scan was over. Not one of my favorites. Results were in later that day. Yep there is a mass/cluster on the right side with inflamed lymph nodes. Left side has something suspicious as well and some deep lymph nodes that are looking abnormal on the left side as well. How many tests can I fail? Or was that a fail? 

Guess what They now want me to do a PET scan. That is on Thursday Feb 2nd. And then another biopsy this time in my axillary (arm pit) on the right side and a ultrasound on the left with possible biopsy as well. They will place markers so they know what they are looking for during surgery. Oh and in the mean time since there are things going on on the left side the and after much much debate both in my head and with my consulting friends. I am going to have a double masectomy. Cut those suckers off and lets get some new ones. Oh boy! 

PET scan: That wasn't so bad. After all that worry turns out you arrive, they give you an IV and some sugary die in your veins. Give you some warm blankets, stick you in a closet in a recliner and tell you to sleep or rest they will be back in an hour to get you for the scan. Not going to lie I slept. Then they do the scan. its like a CT scan. Takes about 30 min. They tell you just to relax and try not to move. You know.. you should never tell someone things like that. Makes them think they NEED to move. I didn't move and the test was completed. This time the results were in by the time I got home. Turns out I dont have cancer in my brain, my stomach, my bones. Just my boobs & lymph nodes. Left side is still in question but we are cutting it off anyway.  Dr. Tit called since the PET scan showed the lymph node on the left as "questionable" She would like me to meet with the oncologist prior to surgery to see if they need to place a port for Chemo. I guess it is a good thing to get it in while I am there rather than another surgery. I was hoping that we wouldn't have to have Chemo.  Oh hell, I have always said go big or go home. I guess Big it is! I have 2 more tests next week and then on Valentines day I meet with the plastic surgeon to find out about replacements for the Boobs they are cutting off. That will be another post. I have gone back and forth as to if I should get replacements. 

Here is the funny thing about all of this... I hate telling people that I have cancer. I hate the reaction they have. Speechless. As they are struggling to figure out what to say to me I am wondering how I can help them process it. They say things like "I am so sorry" which I know that they are. And then they say 'How can I help" I am here for you" Which I love and know,  otherwise I would not have said anything to them. But honestly I do not know what they can do to help. I do not know what I need. Slowing down is very very difficult for me. Letting people do for me is difficult for me. I AM THE CARE GIVER NOT THE CARE RECIEVER!. I hate it when people hover! Time will tell and things will get better. Deep breaths, long walks and a swim in the pool. Diet Coke and Coffee help too.

This lady is my inspiration. Watched her Fight this battle 30 years ago. We got this!

This photo was from Relay for Life. We walked in the survivors lap.