Well here we are. How did we get here? Well on November 11th 2022 at a routine Mammogram a strange spot or should I say a few strange spots. They called it a cluster and it was suspicious. Was not my usual mammo girl. As with all the health care people these days Amy was busy doing other things that day so I figured well, just the fill in didn't do it right. So on round 2 December 8, 2022, Amy was there. Love that lady. Pulled it up on the screen and let me see what it looked like. Anyone seen a mammo? Looked like little green dots on a image of a boob. Actually 3 green dots. They were by each other not really touching but close. They call it a cluster and it actually looked like someone had a marker and wrote on the screen. Tiny little green dots. My brain said really? Thats what cancer looks like? No way! Then during round 2 of mammo Dr said I think we need an ultrasound and a biopsy. Well okay but it isn't cancer. You can not even really see it on the screen. Told them they should clean the lens on the camera. I have been doing mammas faithfully for the past 6 years.
December 21, 2022 Okay Biopsy. That was fun. As your Boob is stuck in the Mamography machine they say hold really really still. We are going to poke you with this needle into your boob and grab a piece of you to put under a microscope and see what we find. Well you really can't run at this point. They literally have you by the Tit. I thought it would hurt more. Really not too bad. The ride home was the worst. Stupid brain. Stupid, stupid brain. This was the week before Christmas. Ok try to focus on fun. And then Christmas was over and still no answer.
Now keep in mind I really was not thinking of results. As many of you know that was when Martin had his chest pain episode with his blood clots. 2 trips to the ER, over night stay in ICU and a trip to provo to see a cardiologist for a cardiac consult! (We are one hell of a pair) Who has time to worry. Oh ya... That stupid brain that won't shut off. Now not only was I thinking, "Dam how did this happen?" "But what if it is cancer? How will we make this happen? How will I do work, make sure that Martin is taken care of and keep food in the fridge let alone time frame. You see I am teaching an Advanced AEMT course at the same time. People depend on me being there. Who has time to be sick? SHIT! DAM! FUCK!
Well results are in. Lets meet with a surgeon to see what is next. January 19th Meet Dr. Tittsner. Going to call her Dr. Tit for short. She is a wonderful woman. With a great sense of humor. Sara made it for the visit. This stuff is just so overwhelming. Glad Sara was there to ask questions. She re-did a quick ultra sound and looked at the lymph nodes on the right side. They were big and ugly. Said it was most likely from the marker they placed when they did the biopsy. Then Felt my boobs (most action they have had in for ever) Then we came up with a plan. A plan is a good thing. Or is it?
THE PLAN:
There are a few more tests to be done. Genetic testing so we know if the kids need to be worried. (of course they do!) An MRI of my chest/boobs to see what the heck is going on. And to make sure that the left side has not been compromised. In the mean time we will schedule the surgery for Feb 20th. Okay so a month to find out stuff. NO PROBLEM. We had agreed on a lumpectomy knowing that if things looked different on the MRI plans could change. Great. A plan. I think the worst part is the not knowing what is next. This is suppose to be all figured out. FYI... Its not.
In the mean time when I am swimming my armpit hurts. Of course my brain says "Yep dumb ass its growing with every single stoke you take. Kind of weird to explain how it feels but it feels heavy and tight like there is a band or something applying pressure to my armpit. I have convinced myself it is just because someone said breast cancer. It really doesn't hurt. I will be fine! Turns out, that is a sign that it is in the lymph nodes. Swimming is a must for me these days. It helps to burn off the demons. These days there are lots and lots of them.
Jan 30th I do the MRI. Let me just say that is an experience. You lay on the MRI table with your boobs dangling through openings on the table that goes into the MRI machine. Also they inject you with dye as you are in there. That part is weird too. Feels like hot crap in your veins then cold. That sensation goes on for about 5 min. Then the scan was over. Not one of my favorites. Results were in later that day. Yep there is a mass/cluster on the right side with inflamed lymph nodes. Left side has something suspicious as well and some deep lymph nodes that are looking abnormal on the left side as well. How many tests can I fail? Or was that a fail?
Guess what They now want me to do a PET scan. That is on Thursday Feb 2nd. And then another biopsy this time in my axillary (arm pit) on the right side and a ultrasound on the left with possible biopsy as well. They will place markers so they know what they are looking for during surgery. Oh and in the mean time since there are things going on on the left side the and after much much debate both in my head and with my consulting friends. I am going to have a double masectomy. Cut those suckers off and lets get some new ones. Oh boy!
PET scan: That wasn't so bad. After all that worry turns out you arrive, they give you an IV and some sugary die in your veins. Give you some warm blankets, stick you in a closet in a recliner and tell you to sleep or rest they will be back in an hour to get you for the scan. Not going to lie I slept. Then they do the scan. its like a CT scan. Takes about 30 min. They tell you just to relax and try not to move. You know.. you should never tell someone things like that. Makes them think they NEED to move. I didn't move and the test was completed. This time the results were in by the time I got home. Turns out I dont have cancer in my brain, my stomach, my bones. Just my boobs & lymph nodes. Left side is still in question but we are cutting it off anyway. Dr. Tit called since the PET scan showed the lymph node on the left as "questionable" She would like me to meet with the oncologist prior to surgery to see if they need to place a port for Chemo. I guess it is a good thing to get it in while I am there rather than another surgery. I was hoping that we wouldn't have to have Chemo. Oh hell, I have always said go big or go home. I guess Big it is! I have 2 more tests next week and then on Valentines day I meet with the plastic surgeon to find out about replacements for the Boobs they are cutting off. That will be another post. I have gone back and forth as to if I should get replacements.
Here is the funny thing about all of this... I hate telling people that I have cancer. I hate the reaction they have. Speechless. As they are struggling to figure out what to say to me I am wondering how I can help them process it. They say things like "I am so sorry" which I know that they are. And then they say 'How can I help" I am here for you" Which I love and know, otherwise I would not have said anything to them. But honestly I do not know what they can do to help. I do not know what I need. Slowing down is very very difficult for me. Letting people do for me is difficult for me. I AM THE CARE GIVER NOT THE CARE RECIEVER!. I hate it when people hover! Time will tell and things will get better. Deep breaths, long walks and a swim in the pool. Diet Coke and Coffee help too.
This photo was from Relay for Life. We walked in the survivors lap.
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