This was suppose to be a blogg that let folks know my journey. Well I have not been very good about updates. An honestly it has become overwhelming. While I want folks to know and understand I also dont want to voice how I feel. I know it is crazy but It is exhausting. Im tired. My give a fuck has gone and I am nearly existing. Trying my dumbest to make sure people think i am strong and holding it all together. Well fact of the matter is I am not. When I am alone I cry. When I am in the car i cry. When i go for walks and it is just me and the dogs I cry. How the hell do you stay hydrated when your moisture leaves in your tears. I drink water like i live in a desert and it is dry and dusty. They say if you feel thirsty you need to drink. Well the thirst is constant. I knew it was not going to be easy or fun. I knew that i would be tired and frustrated. What I had hoped for that it would not happen the first week. What I had hoped for is that it would be at least 3-4 treatments in. I have 15 fucking weeks of this and then radiation to follow. Where will I find the strength to do this shit.
i think back on my mom. She is so close to my heart these days. I fucked up so bad when she was going through this. And you dont relize it until the table turns. I understand now why she begged me not to make her do Chemo when she found out she had pancreatic cancer.
So how do I feel. This is an exhaustion that goes beyond words. It hurts to even open my eyes some times. And pushing through is hard. The sunshine helps. And I have forced myself to go outside a few times and play with the dogs. I am hoping that tomorrow it will feel a little better. I am suppose to work shift on monday and I dont want to spend all day in bed but who the hell knows. It may happen. I have not puked yet but I am on the verge at all times. Saltines and pretzels are my friend. I have this nasty sweet taste in my mouth at all times. Coffee and Diet coke are gross. And this headache that I have is a dulll roar all the time.
This week will be a crazy one. I have multiple things on the schedule. May the odds be ever in my favor. OH and hopefully a nap or two.
